IT is, of course, the thought that counts. But come the day on Thursday how many of us will take a deep breath, fix our faces with a rictus grin and say a gracious thank you for a present that so doesn’t suit the kind of person we are that you wonder if the giver even really knows you at all.

For it would be natural to assume that if you’re giving a present to a relative or close friend you at least have a modicum of an idea about the kind of things they like and the interests they have. Plus, that you also have a sense of decorum about the dos and don'ts of gift giving.

You wouldn’t, for example, give a box of chocolates to someone and bite into each one before wrapping them up, would you? Nor would you print off an 8 by 10 glossy picture of yourself and use it to wrap round a takeaway dinner that you then place under the tree where it can rot away for ten days.

But that’s what some frankly weird gift-givers did to unsuspecting recipients, according to a local radio station that asked listeners to phone in with their most ridiculous Christmas presents ever.

Another listener reported that her boyfriend’s mother gave her pack of mince straight from the freezer with a red bow on it, presumably as some (very) broad hint that she needed to sort out her cooking skills. “I don’t think she liked me very much,” she mused, with breath-taking understatement.

Someone else received four packets of instant noodles, suitably gift-wrapped, while another – and I really, really don’t get this – was given her grandmother’s used bras and underwear. But there’s clearly a thing about underwear at Christmas because another hapless recipient reported that her godmother handed over a parcel containing her husband’s used underpants. Hopefully they were at least freshly laundered….

A styrofoam alligator head with light up eyes run by a small solar panel to float in a swimming pool was the gift of dubious choice given to someone who didn’t have a pool and had never expressed a particular love for alligators either.

One woman reported that she was given a stainless steel wok, which you might think is absolutely fine. Except she was ten at the time and her favourite food was chicken nuggets and pizza.

A relative reported being given a glittery metallic temporary tattoo kit for eight year olds with butterflies and slogans like ‘girls rule!’ The recipient was 15 at the time and a male to boot – bet that went down a storm on the school rugby pitch.

Someone else was given a six-pack of AA batteries with only four in it, while one mother rather pointedly put lavatory cleaner in each of her daughters Christmas stockings. When asked about it, she said it was a really good brand she’d discovered so she thought they should try it…

Another mum gave her daughter a pregnancy testing kit, which was either a hint that she was desperate for grand children or that said daughter should stop sleeping around and take suitable precautions instead. Either way, she wasn’t the sort of mum I’d want to share my secrets with…

There are also the gifts that act as a very broad hint that all is not well on the home front. Like buying your spouse a self-help book, which surely is an indicator that you don’t like them very much as they are. Or a set of bathroom scales, which has to be the biggest hint ever that yes, actually, your bum really does look big in that…

One woman said her worst Christmas was when her husband’s family was visiting and each were asked by him to buy a different cooking pot or pan so that she’d have a complete set for cooking the festive dinner while the rest of them whooped it up on champers and charades in the living room. That clearly put the little woman in her place and dispelled any doubt there may have been about her role in her family’s life. I think she divorced him in the end…

There’s no risk of getting it wrong on the present front with the other half and me as we avoid all that by not exchanging Christmas presents at all, apart from small inexpensive stocking fillers. For being together with family and friends on the big day is by far the best present of all.

Happy Christmas whatever you’re doing and wherever you are.