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Jokes galore for Comic Relief........
This live event has finished
- Thousands across region raise money for Comic Relief
- Send us your info and pictures
- We want your best - and worst - jokes
Ok, well it's been an absolute pleasure covering #rednoseyork today. I'll leave you with the est jokes of all time (in my opinion).
"Sherlock Holmes and Dr. John Watson went on a camping trip. After sharing a good meal and a bottle of Petrie wine, they retire to their tent for the night.
At about 3 AM, Holmes nudges Watson and asks, "Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?"
Watson said, "I see millions of stars."
Holmes asks, "And, what does that tell you?"
Watson replies, "Astronomically, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and we are small and insignificant. Horologically, it tells me that it's about 3 AM. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes retorts, "Someone stole our tent."
Cheers guys, stay in touch. @alexinboxes
RT @GavAitchison: "Is that a macaroon or a meringue,?" I asked the baker. "Yer no wrang; it's a macaroon," she replied. #rednoseyork @maxineygordon #scotjokes— @DeanCourtYork 15 March 2013
"My girlfriend has left me for a hotter climate."
"No, she went on her own accord."
So...send in your final jokes guys, don't let the sun go down on your wit!
When I was growing up some people thought I looked like a cross between David Coulthard and Bobby Davro. This isn't a joke, it's just a fact.
Sitting on my computer screen was a spider! Oi, I said, get off ! Nah he said, I'm on my website #rednoseday #rednoseyork— @henrab 15 March 2013
PICS Galore from today's #rednoseyork activities - http://t.co/1JLoQ1K8wV— @yorkpress 15 March 2013
When did the Scottish cow go on holiday?
When she had a wee calf.
Now that's farmtastic.
Doctor doctor! I've broken my arm in three places! Well, don't go there again #rednoseday #rednoseyork— @henrab 15 March 2013
#rednoseyork The other day, I laughed so hard that I found myself at the Bank with no socks on!— @DanCamp4 15 March 2013
What do you call that cheese that doesn't belong to you?
I worked at a tiddlywink factory once, but it was counter productive. #rednoseyork— @GavAitchison 15 March 2013
PICTURE: Could YOU eat 34 cherry tomatoes in a minute? This man did, for #rednoseyork - http://t.co/1JLoQ1K8wV— @yorkpress 15 March 2013
Sainsbury’s Haxby have so far raised over £1500 which beat the target of £780. Funny face competitions and a series of gungings have done the trick nicely.
York Café Rouge raises £150 for Red Nose Day!!
Pyjamas are always a great shout to raise funds.
3:08pm Fri 15 Mar 13
Ronald Crumble says
i got taking to a girl at the bar
"so," she said. "what do you dislike about yourself?"
i replied, "i often mislead people"
"Really?!" she asked.
i said, "No"
I like it.
"This one is dedicated to my parents who are both roofers. So, guys, if you're up there..."
"I resigned from my job at the helium factory. I refused to be spoken to in that tone."
York resident Kevin Blount shares his favourite joke.
"What's brown and sticky? A stick."
@yorkpress Did you hear about the magic tractor? It drove down the road and turned into a field! #rednoseyork— @UKBee 15 March 2013
Poppleton Road Primary School teacher Rebecca Kearney shaved her hair off to raise funds for Comic Relief. Cracking effort.
Head Chef at La Tasca Fredi Jimenez wolfed down 34 tomatoes in a minute for comic relief. Immense.
Yearsley Grove Primary School children went to school dressed as people from the 80’s, including a family of Smurfs, Wombles, Boy George, and Freddie Mercury.
The school also hosted a Great Yearsley Bake Off, where children and adults entered cakes, buns and biscuits to be judged.
So Keith Lemon look-a-like Wojtek Gorczynski is living it up in Sainsburies today for Comic Relief. Pics coming soon.
I was once told I look like Brad Pitt... if he'd been hit with a shovel.
Did you hear they've turned the SPHINX into a drive-through Tourist attraction? Yes, just Toot ' n come in ....#rednoseday #rednoseyork— @henrab 15 March 2013
Yum, was looking forward to my bacon sandwich, but it was nasty. It had a mean streak that was irrational #rednoseday #rednoseyork— @henrab 15 March 2013
A friend asked me if I could tell him what they called people from Corsica. I said Course-I-Can.
Oh yes, and I know you laughed at that.
Keith Heald at Network Rail. He's really gone for it and raised more than £200.
Staff at Dannie Lea hair in their unusual work gear. Looking good!!
Check out teacher Cally Pritchard with her year seven students at Goole High School.
#RednoseYork picture gallery growing.Have you sent your picture yet? http://t.co/ZWX2H6iwEl— @MartinYorkPress 15 March 2013
The accomodation and timetabling teams at York University are currently in the midst of a huge Red Nose bake off. There's a genuine rivalry here. It could get messy.
Ok this is a belter:
What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?
Did you hear that the Greeks have stopped making hummus and taramasalata? They’re having a double dip recession.
I'm off for lunch briefly now but some of the regular staff here at The Press will be standing in for the next hour - keep sending us your jokesm, and details of what you're doing for Comic Relief.
I had a friend in school who always wore a full tuxedo to non-uniform days. He genuinely went on to work in a funeral home. Is that ironic?
"I phoned my local gym and asked if they could teach me to do the splits. The bloke asked me how flexible I was. I told him I couldn't do Tuesdays."
- Luke Smith, Charity Manager, York.
12:14pm Fri 15 Mar 13
The funeral of the bloke who invented the Hokey Cokey lasted for days because they put his left leg in... left leg out... in out in out ...
This is the best page ever on this site.
Brilliant love it! More please.
It's spreading to the trains!!
GRAND Central trains on the York to London route have been given their own red noses to encourage passengers to dig deep for Comic Relief.
Staff on-board the York-based company’s trains are also wearing Red Noses and giving out special stickers, with the business on-track to raise a total of £1,000.
More pictures are coming in from across the region. Keep sending us yours...... http://www.yorkpress.co.uk/pics/galleries/rednose2013/
"Alex, fair play for posting my rugby tweet. I'll make my £10 donation later."
Busy Bees Nursery children are baking some great cakes and making an impressive giant red nose bee collage.
The creativity in York nurseries, schools and colleges is going through the roof today. Great stuff.
What do you call a grumpy, short-tempered gardener? A snap dragon!.... #Rednoseday #Rednoseyork— @DGCYork 15 March 2013
Keith Heald, from Network Rail in York, has collected over £200 for Comic Relief by dressing as a red devil.
That's not going to impress any Leeds/Liverpool/Man City fans. ;)
It's an action packed day at Barlby High School!
Non Uniform Day, Joke Book production, Cake Sale, Quiz and Girl Band Bon Bonz will perform.
School has changed over the years.
Patient: Doctor, doctor I've got a red nose.
Doctor: Well that's a relief.
- Freya Morgan, York-based teacher.
And on that note...please visit www.comicrelief.com and donate a few quid?
"Alex, how about some blue jokes, or is taking the Mick out of smurfs not PC now?"
- Stuart Hasler, Scarborough.
Nice. Very nice.
"Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way."
Cheers to Mr Nick Dugay
A new favourite of the day for me.
Garrowby Turnoff says...
"It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey. But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.”
Great, witty and complex.
Mr Andy Falconer, Headmaster of St Olave’s School, sends his joke in.
"Why did 6 not like 7? Because 7 8 9".
The children at Woodthorpe Primary school are selling red noses and organising a raffle for Comic Relief...all with monster hair styles!
They've raised more than £600 so far! Great effort Woodthorpe.
Oh yeah really funny mate. (I'm sure you guys will see the funny side of this considering the fact I'm Welsh.)
I've got a great joke: "Some Welsh rugby fans think their team have a chance this weekend" I'd sponsor Alex Willmott to get this online.
(Well, the jokes on you @revRLP because I'd like £10 for Comic Relief now I've posted it. Cheers.)
Little Joe's Nursery are making t-shirts today to raise money for Comic Relief.
Great idea. I'll take a medium if there's one going ;)
Jokes are even being sent from Ripon!
Dean Gray, builder, said: "Two goldfish in a tank and one said 'How do we drive this then?'"
Ah fish jokes, they just always seem out of plaice.
"He's a dark horse isn't he? Black Beauty."
Come on that one was good.
The Hair & Beauty Department at The Joseph Rowntree School are going for it!
A 45 minute hairdressing competition and a catwalk fashion show is set to go down a storm! Well done everyone involved!
(I think I'd make a wonderful model...for oven gloves.)
I used to work in a herb factory. Got the sack, yeah. They said my thyme management wasn't good enough #rednoseyork #rednoseday— @henrab 15 March 2013
A joke for the younger readers!
"What do you call a dinosaur who wears glasses? A T-Spex."
(This actually turns my stomach a little, but a wonderful idea nonetheless.)
In a bid to have some fun for Comic Relief La Tasca is launching a Man vs La Tomatina challenge to see how many tomatoes staff and/or customers can eat in one minute. Each participant will be asked to donate £1 and all proceeds will go to Comic Relief.
Get yourself down there guys!
Why was the scarecrow given a knighthood?........ Because he was out standing in his field. Boom boom!
Radio 3 is giving listeners the chance to hear Justin Bieber’s hit single Beauty and a Beat as they’ve never heard it before... in a brand new version arranged for countertenor, chamber choir and baroque orchestra!
The world premiere of this version will take place in Dance Baroque for Comic Relief, a concert from Lyons Concert Hall at the University of York today at 1pm.
After my Leeds fan/Scarborough fan joke, I have been notified that Press management are not taking any responsibility for this live feed.
Great, if I get lynched I'm on my own!
This is great. Last night the locals at the Sun Inn at Colton were given the pub to run themselves! Jim Clelland, Colton villager, was one of team members who prepared a three course dinner for the bespoke menu.
(I don't know if I have the ability to cook three separate dishes!)
Well done to all the staff at Dannie Lea Hair and Beauty who are donating 10% of all sales today to comic relief. All the staff have come into work in their pajamas!
I hope they don't fall asleep on the job ;)
Ok, I shouldn't judge others without having a go myself.
"A Scarborough fan and a Leeds fan run for ten miles out of the city; who wins? York."
(Please don't hurt me, I'm just joking.)
York Press News Editor Gav Aitchison submits his best effort.
RT @GavAitchison: I nearly drowned in my muesli this morning. Was pulled under by a strong currant. #rednoseyork— @EllsBells93 15 March 2013
Did you hear about the man who ate grass seed? He ended up all for lawn....#rednoseday #rednoseyork— @henrab 15 March 2013
@GavAitchison York artist selling original linoprints for #ComicRelief. £275 raised since Mon. http://t.co/u3aiGjsxJt #rednoseyork— @stoneflowerjane 15 March 2013
THIS IS MY FAVOURITE JOKE SO FAR.
Anna Godfrey, a York woman currently studying in Newcastle University, sent this belter in:
"Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. I'm okay, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside."
Our photographers are getting some cracking pics today. Have a gander here.
Staff at Selby College have performed their own version of the Harlem Shake for Comic Relief. Check it out here. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0VFppKGXaQI
Growing up in the 90s we had to make do with the Macarena. Times have changed.
Lady Lumley's school in Pickering will be hosting a whole day of fun and madness. Gungings and everything!
When I was a kid we had to wear those awful plastic red noses that almost broke the skin. Any other fun memories?
Eddy James, member of Saint Michael le Belfrey Church, "Why did the monkey fall from the tree? Because it had died."
Eddy, I'm not sure that's a joke mate, but I'll be honest, I did chuckle.
Spare a thought for Mike Roper, head teacher of Brayton High School. He's having his legs waxed at 10am. (Pictures coming soon).
I had my back waxed once, it was horrible. I actually cried.
The Monks Cross management team will be holding a cake stall from 10am. Sweet.
Ivan Scoble, York-based actor and comedian, has really raised the bar. "Where do Greeks spend their family day out? At the Circous Cous!"
Keep them coming York!
You can email us on email@example.com or tweet us using the hashtag #rednoseyork
Alternatively, phone us on 01904 567131.
Good Morning! Alex Willmott here looking after all things Comic Relief in York, North Yorkshire and East Yorkshire. Throughout today we'll be keeping up to date with the action. Please send us your pictures and best/worst jokes...KEEP THEM CLEAN! :)