Jokes galore for Comic Relief........ (From York Press)

9:37am

5:04pm

Ok, well it's been an absolute pleasure covering #rednoseyork today. I'll leave you with the est jokes of all time (in my opinion). 

"Sherlock Holmes and Dr. John Watson went on a camping trip. After sharing a good meal and a bottle of Petrie wine, they retire to their tent for the night.

At about 3 AM, Holmes nudges Watson and asks, "Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?"

Watson said, "I see millions of stars."

Holmes asks, "And, what does that tell you?" 

Watson replies, "Astronomically, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and we are small and insignificant. Horologically, it tells me that it's about 3 AM. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes retorts, "Someone stole our tent."

Cheers guys, stay in touch. @alexinboxes

4:50pm

4:40pm

"My girlfriend has left me for a hotter climate."

"Jamaica?"

"No, she went on her own accord."

4:31pm

So...send in your final jokes guys, don't let the sun go down on your wit!

4:29pm

When I was growing up some people thought I looked like a cross between David Coulthard and Bobby Davro. This isn't a joke, it's just a fact.

4:13pm

4:13pm

4:12pm

When did the Scottish cow go on holiday?
When she had a wee calf.

Now that's farmtastic.

4:09pm

4:08pm

4:05pm

What do you call that cheese that doesn't belong to you?

Nacho Cheese!

3:46pm

3:46pm

3:44pm

Sainsbury’s Haxby have so far raised over £1500 which beat the target of £780. Funny face competitions and a series of gungings have done the trick nicely.

3:41pm

York Café Rouge raises £150 for Red Nose Day!!

Pyjamas are always a great shout to raise funds.

3:13pm

I like it.

3:12pm

"This one is dedicated to my parents who are both roofers. So, guys, if you're up there..."

HA!

3:07pm

"I resigned from my job at the helium factory. I refused to be spoken to in that tone."

@MarAnderson22

Superb.

2:52pm

York resident Kevin Blount shares his favourite joke.

"What's brown and sticky? A stick."

2:45pm

2:29pm

Poppleton Road Primary School teacher Rebecca Kearney shaved her hair off to raise funds for Comic Relief. Cracking effort.  

2:25pm

Head Chef at La Tasca Fredi Jimenez wolfed down 34 tomatoes in a minute for comic relief. Immense.

2:13pm

Yearsley Grove Primary School children went to school dressed as people from the 80’s, including a family of Smurfs, Wombles, Boy George, and Freddie Mercury.

The school also hosted a Great Yearsley Bake Off, where children and adults entered cakes, buns and biscuits to be judged. 

Nice one!! 

2:08pm

So Keith Lemon look-a-like Wojtek Gorczynski is living it up in Sainsburies today for Comic Relief. Pics coming soon.

I was once told I look like Brad Pitt... if he'd been hit with a shovel.

2:02pm

1:59pm

1:55pm

A friend asked me if I could tell him what they called people from Corsica. I said Course-I-Can.

Oh yes, and I know you laughed at that.

1:52pm

Keith Heald at Network Rail. He's really gone for it and raised more than £200.

1:48pm

Staff at Dannie Lea hair in their unusual work gear. Looking good!!

1:45pm

Check out teacher Cally Pritchard with her year seven students at Goole High School.

1:31pm

1:25pm

The accomodation and timetabling teams at York University are currently in the midst of a huge Red Nose bake off. There's a genuine rivalry here. It could get messy.

1:08pm

1:07pm

Ok this is a belter:

What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

Philippe Philoppe.

1:00pm

Did you hear that the Greeks have stopped making hummus and taramasalata? They’re having a double dip recession.

Yes.

12:53pm

I'm off for lunch briefly now but some of the regular staff here at The Press will be standing in for the next hour - keep sending us your jokesm, and details of what you're doing for Comic Relief.

12:42pm

Random memory.

I had a friend in school who always wore a full tuxedo to non-uniform days. He genuinely went on to work in a funeral home. Is that ironic?

12:37pm

"I phoned my local gym and asked if they could teach me to do the splits. The bloke asked me how flexible I was. I told him I couldn't do Tuesdays."

- Luke Smith, Charity Manager, York.

12:34pm

Remember, if you want to donate to Comic Relief, you can do so HERE: https://www.comicrelief.com/donate

12:31pm

12:29pm

It's spreading to the trains!!

GRAND Central trains on the York to London route have been given their own red noses to encourage passengers to dig deep for Comic Relief.

Staff on-board the York-based company’s trains are also wearing Red Noses and giving out special stickers, with the business on-track to raise a total of £1,000.

12:28pm

More pictures are coming in from across the region. Keep sending us yours...... http://www.yorkpress.co.uk/pics/galleries/rednose2013/

12:10pm

Woohoo!

"Alex, fair play for posting my rugby tweet. I'll make my £10 donation later."

- RevRLP

12:04pm

Busy Bees Nursery children are baking some great cakes and making an impressive giant red nose bee collage.

The creativity in York nurseries, schools and colleges is going through the roof today. Great stuff.

11:58am

11:56am

Keith Heald, from Network Rail in York, has collected over £200 for Comic Relief by dressing as a red devil.

That's not going to impress any Leeds/Liverpool/Man City fans. ;)

11:54am

It's an action packed day at Barlby High School!

Non Uniform Day, Joke Book production, Cake Sale, Quiz and Girl Band Bon Bonz will perform.

School has changed over the years.

11:49am

Patient: Doctor, doctor I've got a red nose.
Doctor: Well that's a relief.

- Freya Morgan, York-based teacher.

And on that note...please visit www.comicrelief.com and donate a few quid?

11:43am

"Alex, how about some blue jokes, or is taking the Mick out of smurfs not PC now?"

- Stuart Hasler, Scarborough.

Nice. Very nice.
 

11:35am

"Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way."

Cheers to Mr Nick Dugay

11:31am

A new favourite of the day for me.

Garrowby Turnoff says...
 

"It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey. But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.”

11:27am

Great, witty and complex.

Mr Andy Falconer, Headmaster of St Olave’s School, sends his joke in.

"Why did 6 not like 7? Because 7 8 9".
 

11:21am

The children at Woodthorpe Primary school are selling red noses and organising a raffle for Comic Relief...all with monster hair styles!

They've raised more than £600 so far! Great effort Woodthorpe.

11:20am

Oh yeah really funny mate. (I'm sure you guys will see the funny side of this considering the fact I'm Welsh.)

I've got a great joke: "Some Welsh rugby fans think their team have a chance this weekend" I'd sponsor Alex Willmott to get this online.

(Well, the jokes on you @revRLP because I'd like £10 for Comic Relief now I've posted it. Cheers.)

11:15am

Little Joe's Nursery are making t-shirts today to raise money for Comic Relief.

Great idea. I'll take a medium if there's one going ;)

11:10am

Jokes are even being sent from Ripon!

Dean Gray, builder, said: "Two goldfish in a tank and one said 'How do we drive this then?'"

Ah fish jokes, they just always seem out of plaice.

11:03am

"He's a dark horse isn't he? Black Beauty."

Come on that one was good.

10:58am

The Hair & Beauty Department at The Joseph Rowntree School are going for it!

A 45 minute hairdressing competition and a catwalk fashion show is set to go down a storm! Well done everyone involved! 

(I think I'd make a wonderful model...for oven gloves.)

10:53am

10:52am

A joke for the younger readers!

"What do you call a dinosaur who wears glasses? A T-Spex."

10:50am

(This actually turns my stomach a little, but a wonderful idea nonetheless.)

In a bid to have some fun for Comic Relief La Tasca is launching a Man vs La Tomatina challenge to see how many tomatoes staff and/or customers can eat in one minute. Each participant will be asked to donate £1 and all proceeds will go to Comic Relief. 

Get yourself down there guys!

10:48am

Why was the scarecrow given a knighthood?........ Because he was out standing in his field. Boom boom!

10:44am

Great story!

Radio 3 is giving listeners the chance to hear Justin Bieber’s hit single Beauty and a Beat as they’ve never heard it before... in a brand new version arranged for countertenor, chamber choir and baroque orchestra!

The world premiere of this version will take place in Dance Baroque for Comic Relief, a concert from Lyons Concert Hall at the University of York today at 1pm.

10:40am

After my Leeds fan/Scarborough fan joke, I have been notified that Press management are not taking any responsibility for this live feed.

Great, if I get lynched I'm on my own!

10:36am

This is great. Last night the locals at the Sun Inn at Colton were given the pub to run themselves! Jim Clelland, Colton villager, was one of team members who prepared a three course dinner for the bespoke menu.

(I don't know if I have the ability to cook three separate dishes!)

10:27am

Well done to all the staff at Dannie Lea Hair and Beauty who are donating 10% of all sales today to comic relief. All the staff have come into work in their pajamas!

I hope they don't fall asleep on the job ;)

10:21am

Ok, I shouldn't judge others without having a go myself.

"A Scarborough fan and a Leeds fan run for ten miles out of the city; who wins? York."

(Please don't hurt me, I'm just joking.)

10:17am

York Press News Editor Gav Aitchison submits his best effort.  

10:12am

10:10am

10:08am

THIS IS MY FAVOURITE JOKE SO FAR.

Anna Godfrey, a York woman currently studying in Newcastle University, sent this belter in:

"Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. I'm okay, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside."

Superb.
 

10:04am

Our photographers are getting some cracking pics today. Have a gander here.

10:02am

Staff at Selby College have performed their own version of the Harlem Shake for Comic Relief. Check it out here. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0VFppKGXaQI

Growing up in the 90s we had to make do with the Macarena. Times have changed.

9:51am

Lady Lumley's school in Pickering will be hosting a whole day of fun and madness. Gungings and everything!

When I was a kid we had to wear those awful plastic red noses that almost broke the skin. Any other fun memories?

9:45am

Eddy James, member of Saint Michael le Belfrey Church, "Why did the monkey fall from the tree? Because it had died."

Eddy, I'm not sure that's a joke mate, but I'll be honest, I did chuckle.

9:39am

Spare a thought for Mike Roper, head teacher of Brayton High School. He's having his legs waxed at 10am. (Pictures coming soon).

I had my back waxed once, it was horrible. I actually cried.

9:36am

The Monks Cross management team will be holding a cake stall from 10am. Sweet.

9:30am

Ivan Scoble, York-based actor and comedian, has really raised the bar. "Where do Greeks spend their family day out? At the Circous Cous!"

Keep them coming York!

9:24am

9:18am

You can email us on newsdesk@thepress.co.uk or tweet us using the hashtag #rednoseyork

Alternatively, phone us on 01904 567131.

9:17am

Good Morning! Alex Willmott here looking after all things Comic Relief in York, North Yorkshire and East Yorkshire. Throughout today we'll be keeping up to date with the action. Please send us your pictures and best/worst jokes...KEEP THEM CLEAN! :)