From a whore’s perspective: And then there were beards…

The diary thoughts of Val Punt as she prepared to play "The Woman Taken In Adultery" in the York Minster Mystery Plays 2016

GARY Lineker’s done it, so has David Beckham. And, now the men of York are doing it too (well those in the Mystery Plays at least).

I’m suddenly aware that beards are springing up here, there and everywhere as I find myself surrounded by the men folk of the cast in all their hirsute glory. They seem to be standing that little bit taller too – I wonder if it’s anything to do with their particularly masculine costumes and weaponry!

The Officers of the Watch as they are called, in the scene where I am roughed up, as the women caught in sin, have warned me that I need to have a good laugh at them when I first see them in costume. But I can tell that, secretly, they’re all rather pleased with the way they look.

And that makes me all the more peeved because I look rubbish in my costumes, hopefully with the exception of the contemporary one, which is made up of entirely my own clothes.

To be fair, my beaver costume is pretty cool if a little uncomfortable…. (In fact, as a cast we are all so enamoured with our animals that many of us have named them… one of the giraffes is called Geraldine whilst my beaver is called Justin Beaver, obviously).

But as for the dress for the woman caught in sin, it’s basically a ripped sack, not a look I can pull off these days regrettably. Initially I had a jacket too but pointed out that there wouldn’t have been time to put it on… seeing how she was caught in the act and all… And, the final insult? Apparently, there weren’t many blondes in Judea at that time so I have to wear a wig – think less Lara Croft and more Kate Bush.

Perhaps Max Jones, the uber-talented designer, needs to think outside of the box… Talking of boxes… he has created an amazing set box which is a mini replica of the stage in the Minster. It’s a thing of beauty in itself.

When Max started to build it using a certain scale, he realised that it wouldn’t even fit in a van! Not surprising when you see the set in person now that it’s built – to say it’s awe inspiring is no understatement.

The whole cast is beyond excited (and beyond petrified of the stairs). Apparently, the scaffolding used in the set could go all around the York walls at least once. And a couple more interesting facts – there are over 450 costumes plus over 2,000 hours have gone into making props. Impressive stuff.

So, the highs and lows? So many highs – I have been crying out of my mouth with laughter at times. Sometimes over inappropriate situations granted – where else could you play kiss, marry or push off a cliff with the 12 disciples?! (It was a very long rehearsal that evening… I can vouch that no disciples were harmed in any way and indeed, are all lovely).

In fact, I love my Mystery Plays family and have become firm friends with people I would never normally encounter. A simple concept of people getting together to put on a play – as it says on all the adverts, ‘The greatest story ever told’ or as Phillip Breen, the director, says, ‘Every story ever told…’ It could definitely give EastEnders a run for its money.

Another exciting thing is that I now own a pair of knee pads; could prove to be useful… they have become synonymous with my presence in the rehearsal room. ‘I almost didn’t recognise you without your knee pads’ was the comment recently and the day I forgot to wear them was a painful one… and a steep learning curve.

However, I am genuinely terrified at the thought of performing in the Minster. When Danny Willett was on the verge of winning the golf Masters last month, the pundit said ‘this pulls the best out of you or frightens the life out of you…’. This summarises perfectly how I feel. But my theory is that if you surround yourself with talented people, people will think you’re one of them. Well, that’s the plan anyway...

Our director has been giving us words of wisdom – ‘Do the show, and then you can go home. Remember, there is life after theatre.’ Thanks Phillip. He also quoted some Brian Clough… the essence of which was to work hard in order to play well. The final piece of advice was that we should take care of the beads and he will take care of the necklace (but I’m not wearing a necklace. Confused, anyone?).

So, to my final musings. I started writing this for you Liz and Sara and I hope that these ramblings have answered some of your questions and filled you in on this Mystery Plays malarkey…

You’ll definitely get it by the time you’ve sat in the Minster for over three hours, then I’ll have the last laugh, hahaha! Would I recommend this play? Hell, yes! Who could refuse the chance to work with the dream team of the highest calibre - directors, producers and managers alike? Obviously I’m biased but I think it’s well worth the money.

Finally, I would like to apologise for becoming a Mystery Plays bore – even to myself.

And, before I finish, here’s a quick language lesson so you’re down with the lingo…

Ah Lord full mickle is thy might – you’re quite powerful;

I’ll go mad for woe - I’m not very happy;

Ding that dastard down – get him;

Thy bairns thou shalt bear with mickle woe – childbirth might smart a bit;

It waxes right murk unto my sight and cold withal – the weather’s rubbish again!

And, so, to the Mysteries! (Warning – contains scenes of a biblical nature…!)

The York Minster Mystery Plays 2016 run until June 30. Box office: 01904 623568 or at yorktheatreroyal.co.uk