From a whore’s perspective: Fight Club

The diary thoughts of Val Punt as she prepared to play "The Woman Taken In Adultery" in the York Minster Mystery Plays 2016

AS I drove to my fight rehearsal on a Thursday evening I was preoccupied with images from the film Kingsman which has to have the best fight scene in a church ever (controversial though, despite the floppy haired presence of Mr Darcy – not to be recommended for my parents).

But as I reached my destination I was left with the sad realisation that I would not be hitting anyone. In fact, it would be me on the receiving end. To add insult to injury, literally, I had to pay £15 to my babysitter for the privilege.

In the back of my mind was the slight apprehension about working with Liam Evans-Ford, the fight director, who had been less than impressed with a prank I had played in the previous Mystery Plays when he was producer (yes, I have done this Mystery Plays thing before - I’ll try anything twice!).

I decided that it would be a good idea to switch the babies’ heads (from the slaughter of the innocents’ scene) for, erm… pineapples - sourced from the Garden of Eden no less. This had seemed like the perfect antidote to all the pre-performance tension.

To say that this had not gone down well is something of an understatement. In hindsight I can appreciate how I looked like a liability. I would like to point out, for the record, that I had absolutely no intention of taking my pineapple headed baby on stage in front of the Archbishop of York. I would also like to take this opportunity to apologise profusely (sorry Liam, it was funny though… do you think that the man from Del Monte would have been impressed?!)

So, knee pads donned and with not a single mention of a pineapple, the evening proceeded with a ‘fight scene’ being choreographed with much hair pulling, being thrown to the ground, a smack to the face and a spot of strangulation to finish off the evening. Hmm… perhaps pineapple-gate wasn’t quite water under the bridge.

To my shame, I was totally rubbish at simple stage combat – you know, where you clap your hands to make the hit sound, move your head in the appropriate direction, then fall to the floor dramatically.

It was a bit like a driving lesson. The harder I tried to focus, the more stressed I got that I was doing it wrong. This is purely an indictment of my own inability – Liam was fantastically patient and excellent in his tuition, kindly reassuring me that I will be an expert by the end of the run… So, what to do?

Practice makes perfect. With a husband away skiing, and, after a couple of bottles of wine, my brother kindly stepped up to the mark. ‘Why is Daddy hitting Auntie Val?’ said my two nephews on Easter Sunday as my brother showed them footage of me practising my new moves. It looked more like a Miss Piggy and Kermit scene, minus the ‘Hi-yah!’ .

What can I say? It just doesn’t come naturally being dragged by my hair, hit in the face and strangled. I must also give credit here to Phil, Ian and Mark - I really couldn’t ask to be beaten up by a nicer group of men. But, I can’t talk about it… (Fight Club reference for those not in the know).

And, so to, the whore! What’s all the hoo-ha about? Well, she was caught in the act with the next-door neighbour, or maybe it was the butcher… Anyway, hers was a capital crime and it makes for a fascinating scene with Jesus, which is both dramatic and mysterious.

We learn so much in such a small amount of time. But, there are things that we don’t know – such as the name of the woman (probably Mary because every woman in the New Testament seems to be called Mary) or why and what Jesus writes in the sand. I like this part – it’s a ‘precious’ moment as Becky, our assistant director, explained – we are silent, watching and riveted as to what will happen next.

Interestingly, only the female members of the cast have asked me why the bloke doesn’t get stoned too. Like I ought to know… But as my mother in law always says, ‘It takes two to tango’. And, in actual fact, Mosaic Law backs her up on this one, stating that both male and female be condemned for adultery.

So, the woman is being used to trap Jesus… If Jesus says that she should not be stoned, then he’s a lawbreaker and the Jewish authorities can condemn him. But if he allows it, then he could be in trouble with the Roman authorities because it is not under Jewish jurisdiction to commit capital punishment.So, what does he do? Well, obviously, you’ll have to come and see…

Personally, I can’t get over the fact that stoning is an act that still occurs in some parts of the world today – absolutely terrifying. I’m scared and it’s only pretend. Watch out for the crowd - they really get into role on this one…

To be continued