Help, my son is beating me up - new campaign to highlight 'hidden' victims of domestic abuse in York

WHEN Katie's young son first lashed out, it was like a scene straight out of Coronation Street.

Fans of the TV soap will be familiar with the shocking storyline where 12-year-old Simon Barlow attacks his step-mum Leanne Tilsley.

But for divorced York mum Katie, the attack was the surest sign that her son needed help.

Katie, 40, has been a victim of domestic abuse twice over - first at the hands of her husband and then her young son.

"I was in a very bad marriage, with extreme psychological abuse and physical violence. It had a terrible impact on my son. He was very isolated; he wasn't allowed friends to come over, and he wasn't allowed to go and visit friends."

With the help of IDAS, the North Yorkshire domestic abuse charity, Katie left her husband and got a divorce.

Just as she hoped life was turning a corner, she noticed worrying behaviour in her nine-year-old son.

"He was completely disrespectful, never doing what he was told. He was aggressive, rude and started to push and shove me to the point I thought if I don't sort it out now I'm going to end up being beaten up by my son."

She spoke to her GP and her son's school, but found little help. It was only when she mentioned her worries to a support worker at IDAS that things began to improve.

Her son undertook one-on-one sessions with an IDAS worker, using its Respect programme, aimed at young people. It tackled issues such as anger management, how to treat people, recognise signs of aggression and how to behave appropriately in society.

At the same time, Katie took some parenting classes. "It seems really stupid but I was never allowed to parent my son, I was completely undermined. I didn't really know how to assert my authority and my son could see that."

Within weeks, Katie could see a big change.

"One day, we saw something on TV: it was a young man really screaming at his mother. My son turned to me and said: 'I used to do that. I'm really sorry'."

She added: "We were in a very bad way, but now we are so close and he's learning to be a respectful young man and I hope it will help him have positive relationships as he grows up."

Worryingly, both IDAS and other specialist agencies report an increase in the number of parents presenting, and asking for support, because of domestic related issues with their children.

Parent victims are just some of the people IDAS are hoping to reach out to in a new campaign which is launching tomorrow in York.

'Get the relationship you deserve' is the motto of the campaign, which seeks to reach out to some of the "hidden" victims of domestic abuse in the region.

OAPs, gay people, the under-25s and those living in isolated, rural communities are all being targeted in the campaign, which has been partly funded through £49,000 from the police and crime commissioner.

MANY VICTIMS: Women aren't the only victims of domestic abuse, men account for one in three of all cases and half a million elderly people are victims too, say North Yorkshire charity IDAS

The campaign

The facts on domestic abuse speak for themselves: recorded cases of domestic violence within York and North Yorkshire have increased this year with more than 9,000 reports to the police. Two women are killed every week in England and Wales by a current or former partner and a quarter of all women will suffer domestic violence at some point in their lives.

However, while the majority of cases still involve male partners being abusive to female partners, there are other sufferers too, such as men, children, parents and the elderly.

Also domestic abuse doesn't just mean violence.

Jane Jutsum, of IDAS, says: "What we want to do is explain to people what domestic abuse is. It can include psychological and financial abuse and not just physical abuse and sexual violence."

Latest figures from IDAS show that male victims account for one in every three cases of domestic abuse in the UK. One in seven young people under the age of 18 will have experienced living with domestic violence and statistics show that violence is just as prevalent in gay and lesbian relationships as it is in heterosexual couples. It is estimated 30 per cent of couples struggle with domestic violence of some sort.

Abuse of OAPs is a growing concern. It is believed that half a million elderly people are abused at any one time in the UK, with 53 per cent of the abusers the sons or daughters of the victim.

Jane said: "There has been an increase in domestic abuse in the 16-25-year-old category and an increase in the number of children abusing their parents. Older people suffer domestic abuse, they might not have access to their pension or their finances are being controlled by their children.

"Domestic abuse is something that occurs within a family and it doesn't have to be from a partner. We are trying to get that message out."

The campaign also wants to tackle people who might be suffering in silence in rural areas. Remote locations can bring added difficulties to victims, notes Jane.

"There are different challenges in rural communities. You might not want to speak to your GP because he plays golf with your husband. There might be limited public transport. If your whereabouts are being controlled it must feel quite isolating."

She added: "We want to tell them: 'you are not alone'. We have outreach workers who can follow up where appropriate. We can meet people in safe places, discreetly."

IDAS currently supports three refuges, a rape counselling helpline two days a week and a 24-hour helpline for victims of domestic abuse. Its website is also a wealth of information, and a place where victims can self refer for help.

Part of the new funding will be spent on extending the hours of IDAS's 60 specialist advisors in sexual and domestic abuse, so they can deal with more cases.

They will also be monitoring the results from the campaign with a view to establishing a referral centre for victims of domestic abuse along lines of the existing one for victims of sexual assault.

Jane says fundraising continues to extend the services even further, particularly reaching out to young people, who are increasingly victims of domestic abuse.

IDAS would like to launch an app and take their education programme, Respect, into more schools.

Jane said: "We work with a lot of young people, sometimes in abusive relationships fuelled by drink. Obviously young people are growing up in a different environment, sexting and all that type of thing, sometimes they end up engaging in sex that isn't really consensual."

She added: "Sixteen to 25 is quite a target group for us. We want to do more fundraising to do more work in schools. Respect is a fantastic programme all about educating young girls and boys about healthy relationships "It's about creating a safer environment. We can educate people and reduce incidents of domestic abuse."

Find out more at: Idas.org.uk